Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just pee around me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
