I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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