Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
