Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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