Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There r osticjed everywhere
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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