I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
