My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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