My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
