I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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