dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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