We need to rekindle our bromance
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
two words...techno handjob
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
