How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
