She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
