my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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