I hope mine doesn't look like that
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The Olympian is in my bed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
