Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
