Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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