there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my being single is dangerous.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
