Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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