More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
