I faked an abortion last night.
You can't special order awesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
