My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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