Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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