i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
