Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
