I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
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Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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