Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
