My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
