i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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