also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
