I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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