fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
