Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
