I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
