I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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