At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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