Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think I died a long time ago.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
