Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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