I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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