Why are handjobs necessary in class?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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