final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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