I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
