You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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