how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
