in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
