I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
how drunk are you?
Several
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
