dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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