wrigley field is MILF paradise
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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