I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
