sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Randomize
