If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
