Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
