I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
