So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He did a backflip because drugs
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
