I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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