god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
