I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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