I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
