I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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