got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
