someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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