No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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